Your Body is *Not* Broken

I found this blog post by Birthkeeper over at Midwifery Ramblings and wanted to share it. The post is a bit old, but the advice will never be so. I think this is so wonderful because I know so many women who have a "failed induction" and they feel like a failure....like their body doesn't work right. They may even sign up for a cesarean next time since they don't believe their body knows how to go into labor. Isn't it great to know that your body isn't broken? Your body is doing exactly what it is supposed to.....exactly the way God made it to work. I just love it!

Two Types of Care ~ Did you know you have a choice?

I spend a lot of time talking about midwives and how wonderful I think they are, but it recently occured to me those who have never been in the care of a midwife may not really know what the difference is between the care received by a midwife compared to the care received by an OB-GYN. Did you know that there are two models of care? Midwives and OBs actually follow completely different models of care....this was something I never knew until I started learning more about midwives. So, what are the differences? Take a look at this article which compares the Midwifery Model of Care with the Medical Model of Care.

Listen to Your Mama Instincts

As mamas, we've all had times when we "had a gut feeling" about something and we either listened to our mama instincts or we explained it away as an irrational thought. Maybe our hearts were telling us one thing and our popular culture was telling us differently. How many times have you heard someone say, "I was up 4 times with the baby last night and I finally just brought him to bed with me. I know, I know, its horrible. I'm creating such a bad habit." I always want to say, "Why is that horrible? And who says its a bad habit?" Usually the answer is something like "my doctor said my baby should be sleeping through the night in his own bed by now..." but we need to remember that doctors don't study sleep habits in medical school. They're a great help when my baby has a fever or to figure out what that strange rash is, but there are a few things I've learned not to talk to doctors about and sleeping habits and breastfeeding issues are two things I don't even discuss with them.

I'm not trying to say everyone should cosleep; it works wonderfully for some families and for others, its not such a great solution. I just want you to not feel guilty for making choices about your mothering that may go against the grain of what popular culture is telling you what you "should" be doing. I believe God gives us those "mama's intuition" moments to nudge us in the direction we should go. Sure, there is a time for "tough love" and allowing our children to make their own mistakes even though it eats us up inside, but all too often we push aside that small voice and give our power over to "the experts."

Links of the Day:
I wanted to include a few links I found today that I really like.
Ask Dr. Sears - I really respect Dr. Sears' perspective on things. He is a great resource for lots of issues that arise in our mothering and he is supportive of a more natural way of parenting.
Giving Birth Naturally - So have I peaked your interest with all the natural childbirth stuff? If so, you'll want to check out this site. Lots of information about natural childbirth classes, birth plans, how to pick a provider and much, much more!
1 in 3 Post by Bellies and Babies - I found this blog post and thought it was very well written about why we should be concerned that one out of every three babies is born by cesarean section.

"Christ Centered Childbirth" by Kelly Townsend

For anyone who is pregnant or might become pregnant in the future, I would like to recommend the book "Christ Centered Childbirth" by Kelly Townsend. I read this when I was pregnant with Alayna and found it not only informative, but it transformed my apprehensiveness into peace. It brought the focus back to God where it belongs. It helped me not "worry" so much and trust that God will take care of me and my baby. I saw this review of the book and thought it was so well said, I'd include it here. The author makes a reference to Romans 12:2, so I looked it up. The verse is familiar to me, but I'd never thought about it with birth in mind and I'd like to share it with you.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

What is the current "pattern of this world" in the birthing world? Go to an OB, do whatever they tell you to do, conform to their standards and protocols regardless of whether or not what they are advising is (a) true and (b) in the best interest of you and your baby. I would encourage all women to not be afraid to challenge their doctor....ask questions like "why are you advising me to be induced?" and "Am I healthy? Is my baby healthy? What is the reason for this intervention?" Also, pray for discernment that you will know when there really is a medical need and when your doctor is not thinking in your best interest.....c-section because the baby is "taking too long" or might be "too big", induction because you're two seconds passed your due date or the doctor isn't going to be on call this weekend. You can always ask "is this the only option....what are my alternatives and what are the risks/benefits to those alternatives?" Someone I know would always ask herself "what is the next best thing?" if what she wanted turned out not to be a possibility.

I honestly do believe that my mind has been renewed by everything I've learned about birth in the last 3 or so years. God wants us to draw close to Him and I think for many women (me included) he uses childbirth to reinitiate that relationship.

Depending on Christ through Childbirth ~Part 2~ To VBAC or Not to VBAC....That is the Question!

Now that you know the story of my firstborn, you can understand why was quite apprehensive to have another child. I always thought that I'd want my first two children two years apart, but as Gavin approached the age of 2, I knew I wasn't ready. I just needed some more time, though, because shortly after Gavin turned 3, Chad and I were ready to add the next member of our family. The big question for me this time was "Am I even going to try a vaginal birth or should I just have a repeat c-section?" I wouldn't even allow myself to consider a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean...pronounced V-back) until I had a doctor's appointment and got a green light. With all of the complications and additional surgeries after my cesarean, I wasn't even sure if I would be a good candidate. A friend recommended an OB who was known to be supportive of VBAC and I made an appointment and told him my story (the cliff notes version, lol!). I then asked him what he thought and he said, "well, I'll definitely need to see your medical records and surgery notes to make sure there aren't any surprises, but from what you've told me I don't see any reason why you couldn't have a trial of labor....BUT....you should only go that route if you *really* want to have that vaginal birth experience. I used to do VBACs all the time in the '90s, but times have changed and its become a lot more controversial....not because of safety concerns, its because of legal issues....really its complicated but you just need to know that not as many doctors allow VBACs any more so unless you *really* want it, I'd advise having a repeat c-section...of course (he chuckles) having a scheduled c-section would be much easier on me so of course that's what I'd recommend. You just think about it and we can talk about it next time." Looking back, I am so thankful for the honesty and integrity of this man. I have heard of so many women who have been lied to and told they couldn't or shouldn't VBAC for a number of reasons, many of which have turned out to be bogus. I personally know women who were told that their pelvis was just too small for that 9 lb 8 oz baby and then they go on to VBAC a 10+ lb baby. If you are not considering VBAC because you have been told this, please do some research and find out how baby's position actually has much more to do with how easily he comes out than does size.

I went home from that appointment with mixed feelings. On one hand, it would have made my decision-making much easier if he had told me it would be too dangerous for me to VBAC, with my previous scar issues and all. I remember how he pointed out that "that was your skin....not your uterus" when I expressed the concern that if I'd already ruptured once, doesn't that make me high risk for rupturing again. Scheduling a cesarean would make planning my mom's visit from Michigan much easier. Chad was definitely in favor of me having surgery "just because we know what to expect." However, there was this little part of me that knew if I didn't try.....if I didn't at least try a vaginal birth, I'd never know what it was like. Would I wonder if I could have had a positive experience and a quicker recovery? Later down the road, would I regret it if I don't at least give it a shot? So, after lots of thinking and praying and through tears, I decided I would try this VBAC thing.

My biggest fear was actually not uterine rupture (the major fear doctors have). My biggest fear for this birth was that of disappointment. Would I get all hyped up for a VBAC only to fail and end up with a repeat c-section? I decided that I was going to read everything I could get my hands on and do everything possible to avoid a c-section. I quickly learned that because of the fear of litigation, doctors will call a c-section much sooner on a VBAC mom than they might otherwise for a non-scarred mom. I was going to have to have a "textbook labor" (with not even a hint of complication) if I was going to be successful at avoiding the cesarean.

I went to my next OB appt. feeling great now that the weight of decision-making had been lifted. I informed him that I had made a decision (he smiled as he anticipated what he thought would be my decision to have RCS) and that I'd like to try the VBAC. As soon as the word left my lips, his smile vanished and he let out a sigh. I wondered where my VBAC-supportive doctor went, but he recovered, smiled again (although it was a much more forced smile) and said "Ok, no problem. We will just make sure we induce you early and.... (I interrupted him). "Um, why would I be induced?" "Well, we'll need to make sure I'm on call when you go into labor. If you go into labor during the week, I'll be there to deliver your baby. But if you go into labor on a weekend, I share call with 5 other doctors, so I'm only on call every 6th weekend. Some of the doctors would probably let you deliver vaginally if you presented in labor, but other doctors aren't so supportive of VBAC and might force you to have a cesarean." I was completely caught off guard. Not wanting to be disrespectful, I just told him I'd have to "think about it." I went home, did more research on the risks of being induced and went back to my next appointment with reasons why I wasn't so keen on being induced. "Doesn't it increase my risk of a uterine rupture?" I asked. "Well, technically yes," he said, "but it doesn't increase it that much...we're talking less than a percent difference". Side note: I just love how doctors pick and choose which risks to downplay and which risks to scare the living *** out of their patients.....sorry, had to go off about that a little bit.

So, since Dr. S pretty much gave me an ultimatum (be induced or else...) I decided that at 20 weeks (halfway through my pregnancy) I needed to find a new provider. Like I've already said, I do respect Dr. S for his integrity and I'm sure he's a great surgeon, but he wasn't the right provider for me if I wanted the best chance at a successful VBAC. My friend (who was feeling horrible by this time that she'd recommended someone who wasn't quite as VBAC friendly as we first thought) found a new doctor for me to try. Dr. K was known to be supportive not only of VBAC, but natural childbirth as well.

So that brings me to my introduction to natural childbirth. I always giggle when someone uses the term "natural childbirth" when they really mean "vaginal childbirth". Different people have different opinions of what actually constitutes a "natural childbirth" but for my definition, I'm going to define it as an approach to childbirth which believes that your body knows how to give birth and if mother and baby are healthy, it is wise to let labor start on its own (no induction of labor), continue on its own (no augmentation) and generally requires little medical intervention. We who believe this are thankful for the life-saving technology that exists, but don't think the majority of healthy women really need it. Also, most women opt to not take pain medication as it has been known to slow down labor and in many cases leads to other interventions that wouldn't be necessary if the pain medication had not been given.

I need to add at this point that my reasons for deciding to go drug-free with Alayna were vastly different than they were with Cade. With Alayna (being my first VBAC) my only reason was to assure a successful VBAC. I know an epidural doesn't slow every labor down, but I would have been so disappointed with myself if it affected mine and I could have prevented a c-section. Once I had my first VBAC (and I survived it!) I realized all of the added benefits. Alayna was so alert....I'd never seen anything like it. I know this will sound unbelievable, but she practically crawled (scooted really) from my belly (where they placed her right after birth) up to my breasts, looking to nurse. She looked like a baby bird with her mouth open looking to latch. It was a 180 degree difference from all the suckling problems I had with Gavin. I also couldn't believe how incredibly good I felt immediately after birth....not the drugged haze I was in after my c-section. Granted, the amount of drugs given for a c-section is huge compared to what is given for a vaginal birth in an epidural, but for me, not feeling drugged was worth it. And then there's that rush of endorphines that flooded my body at the moment of birth that filled me with love and tears of joy....the best feeling I've ever had.....I'm so glad my body was fully alert to experience that. You can read all the details of Alayna's birth in my family blog.

Almost two years after Alayna's birth, I had my third child, another boy whom we named Cade, my second natural VBAC. The only difference this time was that I'd decided that midwives are much better than doctors at attending a natural delivery (doctors are great when there are problems, but midwives are the experts at natural childbirth!) and so I signed on with a practice of midwives instead of finding an OB. Cade's birth was a bit more traumatic (you can read the details by clicking on the link) and I had a rougher post-partum period, but I had an awesome labor.....one that I'll remember and cherish always.

Depending on Christ through Childbirth....aka....You gave birth with no drugs??? Are You Crazy???

So, the short answer is "Yes, I gave birth without pain relieving drugs (twice actually) and no I am not crazy." I actually have three beautiful children and in order to explain why I will have to tell you a story that will probably end up being very long but hopefully you'll begin to see how this really has been a journey for me. Just as a disclaimer, I get very detailed about my births in this post, including my cesarean and the complications that followed. If you are pregnant or at a place where reading scary birth stories might not be a good idea, you may not want to read further.

I was 24 years old when I became pregnant for the first time. I had been married about a year and it just seemed like the right time to start a family. During that first pregnancy, I did everything right....ate the right foods, avoided all the things I was told to avoid. I had a very uncomplicated pregnancy (except for all the "normal" stuff like horrible nausea, fatigue and pretty bad swelling in my feet toward the end). We knew we were having a boy and had decided on the name Gavin Dean. Gavin was simply a name we liked and Dean is my father's middle name. We attended a local childbirth education class and got your run-of-the-mill typical hospital class. We made a birth plan, but since I really didn't know what I wanted, it was pretty standard to the hospital's policies. I was open to getting an epidural....I guess I assumed I'd need one since I have such a low pain tolerance. However, I don't know why, maybe I wanted to see what my body was capable of, but I didn't want to get it right away. I wanted to wait as long as I could....heck! Maybe I wouldn't even need one at all!

On July 12, 2002 my husband and I went out to dinner to celebrate after having a very successful day at work. We went to a steakhouse and I ate *so much* that night, possibly forgetting that I was 9 months pregnant.....4 days short of my due date. Later that evening I felt so sick and wondered why I ate so much. Chad had early morning plans to go waterskiing with my dad the next day (which was a Saturday) and I didn't want to disturb him, so I layed on the couch and was back and forth to the bathroom for several hours. It never crossed my mind that I might go into labor that night. I had just had an appt. with my OB that morning and I remembered her saying, "you aren't dilated at all. I can't make any predictions, but I think I can safely say you won't go into labor today. After that, I can't make any promises." Plus, this was my first baby and I had heard over and over again that first time moms *always* go passed their due date. The more time that passed, the worse I felt. It got so bad that I started to think I shouldn't wait until morning. Even though it was close to 2:00 a.m., I started thinking maybe I should call the on-call doctor. I woke Chad up and told him I wasn't feeling well and maybe we should call the doctor. There was a long pause (he later admitted that he was trying to think of a way to lovingly assure me that I was fine and to just come to bed). Then it happened! GUUUUSSSSHHHHHHH! Wet everywhere! I said, "Ummmm, either I just peed myself or my water just broke." That got him out of bed!

We raced around throwing things together. I called the on-call doctor (the same OB I had seen that morning). She was surprised to hear from me, but said I should probably go to the hospital and get checked out. Contractions started right away and they were pretty intense. In the car, we started timing them. It was hard for me to know when they were starting, so we timed them from the peak of one to the peak of the next. 3 minutes apart. Next one was 4 minutes apart. Next one was 2 minutes apart. Chad said, "You must not be doing this right....they are not supposed to be that close together this early." I practically yelled, "how am I supposed to know if I'm doing this right? I've never done this before!!" Looking back, it seems kind of funny, but it was incredibly intense at the time.

When we arrived at the hospital, there was a flurry of activity as the residents checked me out and my doctor was soon called. They kept telling me not to worry about them...just concentrate on my labor. I *was* concentrating on my labor, but of course as soon as they told me not to worry, I started worrying! They also offered me an epidural, but I declined at that point. The contractions were intense, no doubt! But they didn't seem overwhelming.....I felt like I could manage the pain. When my doctor came and saw that I was barely dilated to one cm and I was contracting like I was in active labor, she was concerned. She said, "there are two things that are concerning me. The first is that with each of your contractions, your baby's heartrate is going way below normal. The other is that you are contracting very actively, yet you are only dilated to one cm. We don't know how quickly you will dilate, but it probably will take many more hours and we don't know how much of this your baby can handle. We can wait a little while if you want, but we may need to talk about a cesarean section.

My. Heart. Stopped. Cesarean? I'm going to have a cesarean? The idea of having surgery was not even on my radar that night. All of a sudden, I thought of my mom. See, I was born by cesarean section.....my mother's first baby.....surgically removed from her womb. Fetal distress. Just like my baby boy. That's when I started to cry. My mom came into the room (she had been in the hallway calling my dad) and heard the news that I was being prepped for surgery. To be completely honest, I had mixed feelings about going in for the c-section. I had definitely not planned on going under the knife that night, but another part of me was excited that I was going to meet my baby much sooner than expected and relief that the incredible pain would be over within minutes.

Once the spinal took effect, they wheeled me into the OR. I remember having some creepy thoughts about it looking like one of those rooms where they take convicts on death row.....death by lethal injection. It also kind of reminded me of Jesus dying on the cross. (The table actually does look a bit like a cross, with your arms out to the sides, strapped down.) Kind of strange in a creepy sort of way that my only two thoughts were about death when I was about to bring new life into this world. The surgery itself was a bit surreal. Its hard to wrap your mind around what they are actually doing......and knowing you're awake the whole time! The one horrible side effect I remember was my entire body shaking. My teeth were chattering and I probably couldn't have kept my arms on the table if they hadn't been strapped down. My anesthesiologist was a grandfatherly sort of man. He sat by my head during the entire surgery and said, "I can give you something for the shaking if you want, but you need to know that it will probably make you very sleepy." I was so afraid of falling asleep. This was my big moment.....my baby was being born and I was NOT going to fall asleep! "No, I'll be ok," I said. However, after just a few more minutes of shaking, my arms started cramping and I knew I needed to take something. "Ok, give it to me....I can't take this anymore!" I still remember to this day the feeling of relief and rest as my muscles relaxed and the shaking stopped. I felt good......really, really good....and really tired. Maybe I could just close my eyes for a couple of minutes....NO! STAY AWAKE!!! Do not miss this! I remember them bringing Gavin to me and saying "here's your baby....congratulations mom" and I was like "oh, wow, thanks" and then conk! Out like a light! I awoke in recovery and at some point my doctor came to talk to me. I was told it was a good thing they did the c-section. My placenta had prematurely separated from my uterus (a rare condition called Placenta Abruption) cutting off the oxygen supply to my baby....this explained the heart rate drop.

Although Gavin seemed ok, they wanted to admit him to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) for observation. It took about 30 hours until he was released. I believe I saw him twice during that time. This part of the story is hard for me because I believe mistakes were made and no one was communicating with me what was going on. They knew I was planning to breastfeed. It was written in my birth plan and they either ignored it or lost it during the change in plans to a surgical birth. They gave him formula in the NICU....even though I had pumped milk for him. Oh I was so mad!

Gavin and I had a horrible time with breastfeeding. I didn't realize it at the time, but I now know that we weren't bonding the way a mother normally bonds with her newborn and I was heading for post-partum depression. Friends and well-wishers would say things like "what a beautiful baby....don't you just love being a mom?" and on the outside I'd smile and say "sure, its wonderful" but inside I had no idea what they were talking about. I felt horrible!

Exactly one week from the day Gavin was born, we were having a particularly rough night and Gavin refused to latch on to nurse. I got so upset that I walked into the bedroom, laid Gavin on my bed and angerly hoisted myself up onto the bed....rrrrriiiip!!! What was that? I looked down at my incision and thought, "no, no way, that is not what I think it is." I carefully took my pants off and saw a small trickle of blood coming from my incision. Oh Lord, what did I just do? I called my doctor (a different on call dr. than the one who performed my cesarean) and described what happened. She didn't seem very concerned. "It can be normal to have a small amount of blood." We got off the phone, but about 5 minutes later I called her back. I just didn't believe this was normal. "Well, if it makes you feel better, you can go to the ER and get checked out." It was late at night by the time we arrived at the ER. We waited for my mom to come over to watch the baby and it was nearly 11 pm by the time we arrived at the hospital. I had put a maxi pad horizontally across my incision to catch the blood as we transported to the hospital and when the ER technician took it off, blood burbled from the wound.....at that moment, I thought I might die. I imagined Chad as a single dad struggling to bring up this little boy on his own. I pleaded with God not to take me yet. I didn't want to leave my new little family with no mother. Thankfully, they got the bleeding under control. They gave me morphine and that's the last I remember. When I awoke, I was informed that they would be taking me to a room. I hadn't even processed it in my head that I was being readmitted to the hospital. Chad looked awful! Like he'd been up all night....then I saw a wall clock.....4 am......he HAD been up all night! I told him to go home and get some sleep. I'm sure my mom was worried sick and I was also worried about Gavin not having anything to eat. I knew we had some formula at home....it was the free stuff they give you in that diaper bag "gift" at the hospital. As much as I hated the thought of him having the formula, I couldn't think of any better option at this point until I was well enough to pump some milk for him.

I think I'll stop this part of the story here for now. It really could go on for pages, but you get the picture of how horrible this experience was for me. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days and was released to go home. I had home health nurses coming to my apartment to change my bandages twice a day. Oh, I guess I do need to explain one more thing. See, when they put me out with the morphine, they reopened my incision to clean it all out. They did not reclose it due to a risk of infection. I really didn't completely get this until that first dressing change in the hospital, but my incision was not closed. It was packed with gause and bandaged. It was the worst pain I had ever had.....way worse than the contractions during labor.....and it was a very different pain. Not like a muscle pain like contractions, this was like a stabbing horrific pain. I was told that the incision would heal naturally over time. After 3 months, it still wasn't completely healed. I saw a plastic surgeon and had my third surgery in that short 3 month period. It was called a "scar revision" surgery, but my doctor tried to make me feel better by telling me I was getting a free tummy tuck!

Ok, this post has gotten so long that I need to stop for now. In my next post I'll talk about my next pregnancy, my decision to VBAC and all the obstacles along the way.